Hey you

So firstly I'd like to say I'm glad that you wrote this I think it turned out great. A little rough but you portray the emotional aspects very well. You used a lot of really descriptive language but you can almost never get enough, look at Stephen King.

Anyway I won't address grammer and what not, knowing Dragon's been here lol. The flow of any story, especially erotic writtings, is essential. For most people it needs to play out like a movie with no interruptions due to unanswered questions or confusing sentence format. I had to stop several times and re-read sentences to get the correct image. Like in this sentence:

"I pull you up to me and kiss you softly on your neck and then I help pull off your top and pants and slide my hand down your stomach sliding my fingers under your soft panties stopping right before my thumb goes in then sliding my other hand down and taking them off kissing down your legs as I get to your feet I push you onto the bed"

In this sentence three things confused me. One you went from kissing her mouth to suddenly kissing down her legs. Would this mean shes holding a push-up postition above you? Two you "push her onto the bed" which gives me an image of you two standing and you physically pushing her onto the bed. And lastly your thumb going in confusing me in the context of you thumb going in while your fingers are under her panties? In where? lol.

Finally try adding more emotion into your writting, how did her vibrant green eyes looking into yours make you feel?

It was good
I hope this helps in the future!